Adult Children of Alcoholics: Healing the Wounds of Growing Up in Addiction

The Long Shadow of Childhood

Approximately 26 million Americans grew up in a household with at least one alcoholic parent. The experience of growing up in an alcoholic family — with its unpredictability, its emotional unavailability, its chaos and shame — leaves lasting marks that can affect every aspect of adult life: relationships, self-esteem, emotional regulation, and the risk of developing addiction oneself.

The term "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACoA) describes both a population and a recovery movement. The ACoA movement, which grew out of Al-Anon in the 1970s and 1980s, recognizes that the children of alcoholics carry specific wounds that deserve specific attention — and that healing is possible.

The ACoA Laundry List

In 1978, Tony A. developed what became known as the "ACoA Laundry List" — a description of the common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. It has been widely recognized as accurate by people who grew up in alcoholic families:

• We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
• We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
• We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
• We either became alcoholics, married them, or both, or found another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
• We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
• We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves.
• We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
• We became addicted to excitement.
• We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
• We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings.
• We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
• We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings.
• Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
• Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

The Impact on Adult Life

The patterns described in the Laundry List manifest in adult life in specific ways. ACoAs often struggle with: difficulty trusting others (because trust was repeatedly violated in childhood), difficulty identifying and expressing emotions (because emotions were dangerous or suppressed in the family), hypervigilance (the constant scanning for danger that was adaptive in childhood but exhausting in adult life), difficulty with intimacy (because closeness was associated with pain), and a tendency to take responsibility for others' feelings and behavior.

ACoAs are also at significantly elevated risk for addiction themselves — both because of genetic factors and because of the coping patterns learned in childhood. The child who learned to manage anxiety by controlling their environment, or who learned to numb pain by dissociating, may find that substances provide a familiar and effective (if ultimately destructive) version of these coping strategies.

Healing for Adult Children of Alcoholics

Healing for ACoAs involves recognizing the patterns that developed in childhood, understanding their origins, and developing new patterns that serve adult life better. This work typically involves:

Therapy. Trauma-focused therapy — EMDR, somatic therapy, or trauma-informed CBT — addresses the underlying wounds of childhood. A therapist who understands family systems and the specific dynamics of alcoholic families is particularly valuable.

ACoA groups. Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization (adultchildren.org) hosts meetings specifically for ACoAs, using a 12-step model adapted for the specific wounds of growing up in an alcoholic family. These groups provide community, recognition, and a structured path to healing.

Al-Anon. Al-Anon, while primarily for current family members of alcoholics, also welcomes adult children and provides valuable tools for understanding and healing from the family disease of alcoholism.

Healing is possible. The patterns that developed in childhood were adaptive responses to a difficult environment — they helped you survive. In adult life, they may be causing harm. Recognizing them, understanding them, and developing new patterns is the work of ACoA recovery — and it is deeply worthwhile.